Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
