Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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