I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
