if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
