Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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