Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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