The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
