when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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