Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
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I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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