i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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