paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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