The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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