He uses pillows to masturbate.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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