I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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