Dual....:-)
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
