He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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