Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
