Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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