OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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