dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
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