11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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