he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
