I didn't shave. On purpose
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
