i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Randomize
