3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
