You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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