Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
