I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
