One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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