can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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