Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
