I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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