dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Even my vagina gasped.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
