I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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