eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
