halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
