That's when you crack a 10am beer
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
