This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
