Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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