I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I had to cum in my sink.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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