if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
