So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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