just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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