it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
