I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
