Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
