just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
