I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
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Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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