you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
