Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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