Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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