Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
