he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
