The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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