I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
