the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
