At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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