she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
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I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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