Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
