then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
